Woody Allen Leaves NYC!

[Let me make this very clear:I wrote this in 2000 and in no way was Woody Allen or anyone else involved...a word of fantasy fiction.]

It was a surprise move by an American icon who has been known for his crochets and favorites. Woody Allen moved last week out of Manhattan to a small rural community in New Jersey. He explains the move in this interview:

Woody: I know, I know, everyone calls me a traitor, a backstabber, the Wandering Jew. Hey, I was faithful to Manhattan for years! Years! I put that city on the map after millions of Americans had given up on it. I think I’ve paid my dues and what did I get in return? OK, I got good bagels, but what else? Did anyone think I deserve a tax break? Or at least a mayoral nomination? But I’m not bitter. Don’t say I’m bitter.

Interviewer: So your move was not to make a point? Then what did initiate it? And why the secrecy?

Woody: What secrecy? We hired a limo and got a couple guys with a truck and they came and packed our stuff and moved us out. I didn’t stop any of the paparazzi from shooting pictures...

Interv: ...that appeared on the various morning shows and sparked phone calls from all areas of New York.

Woody: We had talked about this for some time. I’ve never been across the Hudson you know. I mean--I could visit once or twice, but never inhabited any part of it. You have to inhabit somewhere to really get to know it. I flew over Jersey sometimes and we drove through it and I thought: there are places down there that I could go and live and that would be different.

Interv: So you wanted to change your life in some dramatic meaningful way.

Woody: Well, if you want to be banal about it you could say that. I’m not wearing boots and a cowboy hat. I still dress the same, I hang out...

Interv: Do you sneak back into the City on weekends?

Woody: I’ve been back a few times.

Interv: And?

Woody: Same ol same ol. I go to the old places and they’re still there, but I don’t feel anything you know? I look at the skyline of New York across the Hudson and say, “There’s a big city.” I don’t feel the music, those great ol Gershwin tunes, I don’t hear them when I look at it.

Interv: Hard to believe. Have you had a checkup lately?

Woody: Oh now it’s the brain scan thing, is it? Listen, I could hang up you know. This is so typical of you big-city guys, putting a negative spin on someone who has simply chosen to live a simpler life. If you could see this house. It’s huge! We could fit any New York apartment inside this house and have a condo left over. Really. Some mornings I just get up and run through the rooms, up and down stairs...into the basement. We have a ping pong table there and a pool table and a little area for playing music...we have a hot tub too.

Interv: And you can’t take the subway. How do you get anywhere?

Woody: I’m taking driving lessons. It’s not easy out here, you know, they’re not all egg farmers in pickup trucks...these gigantic vehicles speeding along with little women sitting up there talking on their cellphones...it’s scary. You have to learn how to protect yourself. I’m learning tai chi too.

Interv: So you intend to make this a permanent move? You didn’t hold your lease here?

Woody: A big change. I can breathe. My chest has expanded a quarter inch in a month since the move. I always had this squinchy little chest. I was afraid to breathe too deep because I could imagine all those particles in the air filling my lungs. Now I breathe deep (makes a big inhaling sound, followed by a whoosh). Holding it I don’t do too well. I’m learning how to hold my breath so I can swim underwater.
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