Gender Jedi, by Don Hinkle

WHEN a woman takes an animal into her bed in the fourth quarter of
the third moon of Mondor, I am assigned.
This is considered a normal assignment.
The New Republic Republic is governed by Senators who are allied
with the Church of the Force, Good Side. While the trade interests rule
the galaxy with unmitigated greed, now we knights of virtue must enforce
personal virtue in others.
It is an assignment I find distasteful. Nevertheless, because I am
a Jedi, I take ship to Mondor. My ship for this mission is an unarmed
personal issue Sitz--a 4-seater with Web controls built in.
My partner for this mission is HelPen Macnew. She is my third protege.
The woman met us at our landing site, just outside the village of
Hutsuoma. She is a member of the Ustoo? tribe, which translates (my
droid tells me) as “Are We not also people?” She bows, sweeping her
robes aside to show a nice pair of legs. I nod, with Jedi gravity.
“I am Hin Don Dilbar,” I say and gesture to my companion. “This is
my protege, HelPen.”
“Someday I too shall be a Jedi,” HelPen says. I frown. HelPen is
just learning the ways of the Force.
The woman breathes and colors emerge from her mouth, “I am tho
pleathed to welcome you. My monicker ith Lipo al Luvvlee.”
“We are informed that you sleep with an animal,” speaks out
HelPen.
I scowl and try to smooth it over. “My protege is sometimes too
forward. I realize that yours is a gracious culture.”
Lipo breathes again and the colors are darker. “I am aware of your
reathon for this vithit. Please--follow to my humble abode.”
The animal is hairy. Large and hairy. It moos at us as we enter
Lipo’s hut. It is taking its ease on a round mattress.
Lipo bows to the animal and breathes colors at it. “HelPen and Hin
Don are here,” Lipo says.
The animal moos again. It seems disinterested in our arrival.
Lipo turns to HelPen. “I have been tho alone for yearth. No member
of our tribe would couple with me.”
“Talk to Hin Don, he’s the Jedi Master,” HelPen says. “I’m just
along to observe.”
Lipo breaths again. “I athumed you would underthand becauth are
you not a female altho?”
HelPen draws near and whispers an aside to me, “When I am a Jedi
they will not treat me so.”
I stand straight. “Lipo, allow me to speak without embellishments.
The Republic Republic has new laws not generous to its citizens who
choose bedmates other than members of their own species.”
Lipo sighs. The colors of her breath are sad.
“But I am tho alone!”
I am led by the Force to glance to HelPen. I gesture her aside and
speak quietly. “You are, after all, of her gender. Perhaps you can
discuss this intimate issue more intimately.”
HelPen bows. “I shall attempt it, Master.”
I tell Lipo that we are in need of some items. I would shop for
them in the village.
Lipo breaths: “The village ith athleep, thir.”
“No shops are open?”
“You may make purchathes, thir, but be ware that everyone ith
athleep.”
Uh-huh, I think. Ah well. It’s a big universe. It takes all kinds.
The villagers bustle about through their marketplace. It is
extremely colorful with all of their talking. I move through rainbows of
sound. Soon caught up in the general enthusiasm, I find myself
bargaining for items that I do not need. A spare printer and fax
machine, a hyperspace modem that brews tea, a lovely lava lamp.
As I attempt to purchase an attractive undergarment for HelPen, I
realize that I have misplaced my other purchases. I look around the
shop. They are not there.
“Excuse me,” I interrupt the shopkeeper, who is demonstrating the
undergarment. “Did I enter here with some packages in my arms?”
Doubt colored the shopkeeper’s breath. “I...don’t..remember. Sorry.”
I hurry out and attempt to retrace my steps. The village has
changed its geography. The street seems strange to my eyes. I recognize
no landmarks. I am, it seems, lost! And now I cannot find the shop from
which I just exited!!
My cloak flapping, I hurry around the village-- much larger and
more complex than when I entered. In fact, I can no longer find my way
back to Lipo’s hut. Nor, indeed, do I know where I parked the Sitz.
I ask strangers on the street but they are curiously unhelpful,
pointing me in contrary directions or feigning ignorance. Faster and
faster I scurry. Ah! I enter a shop and there is my lava lamp. Someone
else has picked it up and is watching its slow melding.
“Excuse me, but that is mine,” I say. To emphasize the point, I
activate my lightsaber. It groans slightly, needing a recharge, but the
effect is instantaneous and I have the lava lamp.
Thus encouraged, I scurry to another shop. There is my printer,
still in its carrying bag.
Now I feel that I am late returning to Lipo and HelPen but, as I
hurry in search of the modem, I encounter HelPen.
I say. “You and Lipo have spoken and reached an agreement?”
HelPen bites her lip. “Lipo has agreed that the animal is hairy
and that she deserves better...”
“Good. Excellent! Now, if we can just find the--”
“I promised that you would couple with her,” HelPen says, backing
off a few steps.
My lightsaber groans and flashes, even tho I am encumbered with
purchases. “What!? Is this treachery?!”
HelPen activates her lightsaber and we assume the first posture of mutual respect.
Our sabers cross, sparks fly and catch fire on the awning of a nearby stall.
We silence our sabers and extinguish the fire.
After the commotion quiets, I realize that I have once again,
misplaced my purchases. This is frustrating. I begin to run in circles.
HelPen follows, “Master? Where is our Sitz?”
“Where is Lipo’s hut?” I demand.
HelPen seems puzzled. “Who is Lipo?” she asks.
I stop running. A brief moment of clarity penetrates the fog about
me. “We are caught in a dreamworld,” I whisper.
“How long have we been here?” HelPen inquires.
I shrug. “Let us move to the edge of the village.”
We find ourselves on a dusty path. In the distance I discern
Lipo’s lonely hut.
“I believe we have escaped the dreamworld, Master,” HelPen says.
“Yes, but my purchases--”
“Your what?”
“Never mind. Let us conclude our business with Lipo and return home.”
Lipo is at the door, sadly watching her hairy animal lope off to
some low hills in the distance. “It wath never really happy here with
me,” she sighs in dark colors. But she brightens. “Mathter!” she cries.
“Lipo, I am a Jedi Knight. I travel the galaxy to battle
corruption. There is no place I call home. I have no family, no human
entanglements.”
“But HelPen said...”
“HelPen speaks without authority. She is young in the Force.”
“But I am now without a companion! Alone! I will be captured by
thleep!”
We stride backward, facing her, as she weeps and moans, and step
into our Sitz. HelPen quickly activates the controls and lifts us off
the planet.
After a long silence, I conclude the adventure by telling HelPen:
“It is not always such an exciting life. Sometimes there is paperwork.”